melancholy romance - ms. jurich

I used to be afraid of how I was with you. I didn't know what you looked like nor I. But now, now that I'm older, and wiser, and further. I see how beautiful that is. My dissociation from the physical was simply an expression of possibility. I just miss you. 

I just want to talk to you. I didn't just lose a lover I lost my closest companion. We were everything! Totality and nothing all at once. But when I go to call you or write to you, I stop myself. It wouldn't be good for you, it wouldn't help you. So many things left unsaid. I just miss you.

I just wish I treated you better. We were both not okay, acting okay. Nowhere near ready for each other. I just miss you. 

I wish the forms that I feel within my heart could pour out of me. But they can't. I just miss you.

When I was in it, I couldn't feel your love. I knew you loved me, but I didn't feel it. I can't imagine how painful and hurtful that was for you. I hate that I couldn't feel it. Because now with hindsight, everything you did, everything you said, was an expression of your love for me. ugh why am I so self-destructive? You know all the reasons why, and I only love you more for it. I just miss you,

I miss your subtlety. I miss the way your hair smelled in the morning. I miss the words you read me to sleep with. I read them again, and they just don't sound the same to me anymore. I miss how you would always give me the last bite even if you were starving. I miss the way your shirt looked on my floor. I just miss you. 

It used to hurt a lot when I heard your name in conversation. But now, I chuckle to myself. Enriched by the love we shared. Happy and content that I felt something so real. You remain in my memories. It's like we're driving again listening to Emmylou Harris and the sun is in our eyes. The taste of tomorrow fresh on our lips. And we're giggling like schoolgirls. Just happy to be seen. God I just miss you. 

Comments

  1. Krishnan VenkateshDecember 7, 2022 at 9:27 AM

    So many moods and tones in this. Can it be expressed visually, or only in language? What are the limits of images?

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

On the Rings of Trees - William Crombie

Image
pictured: the branch of a young Douglas fir and an ancient bristlecone pine     I think, sometimes, about tree rings. They would be difficult for me to forget: where Highway 101 enters my hometown (once the largest timber-producing port in the world), there is an enormous Douglas fir round taken from the kind of old-growth that used to cover the Coast Range, wide enough to take me as its radius and suspended above the ground by chains as thick as my torso. It's a relic of our prosperous decades as a timber boomtown, but it's just as much a relic of time itself; in its wood, drawn with the faithfulness of the most divinely exacting scribe, are centuries upon centuries. When the city erected it, they marked significant dates along its rings. 1492. 1588. 1666. 1776. 1865. 1914.     A few years ago, a cherry tree fell in a late-spring storm a ways up the ridge from my house-- not nearly so large as the tree the round by the highway must have come from, but larg...
Read more

ms. jurich - repetition

Image
Why are we as philosophers seemingly only concerned with what lies beyond the physical? Our curriculum is saturated with thinkers who so desperately want to shed their physical reality, to escape into the intellect. Why do our beloved philosophers exist in a state of self-hatred? Unfeeling? Why are they unable to see what is in front of them? The faculties of pure intellect are interesting, of course, but I am so much more concerned with what it is to be man. There are moments when our spirits fill our bodies like a golden light, perfectly describing our individual shapes. I couldn’t imagine that this is done in the intellect. How could it be? The physical is the medium of our spirits!!! I am enamored with the tiny little things of life. Things that are so uniquely human.  I feel that repetition falls to the side much like physicality in philosophy. I feel that people are quick to judge repetition, condemning it to " mundanity." But the feeling of repetition and the expressio...
Read more

The Fluidity and Subjectivity of Paintings

Image
I was incredibly intrigued in our discussion on O’Keefe’s cross paintings to find, what I felt like, was a flip-flopping of interpretation in the conversation. At first, it seemed, like any other conversation, that we each held different opinions or were inspired in different ways by the paintings. But as we continued to explore different cross paintings in juxtaposition to one another, it felt as if two sides, two primary ways of interpretation were forming. Most obviously, this split arose in Mr. Connelly’s mention of the Black Cross with Red Sky being placed across from the Black Cross with Stars and Blue in the O’Keefe museum. Immediate reactions to the red sky of the second painting were obvious, but I felt myself confused. Where others had felt peace in the cross imagery, now they felt disruption. (Interestingly, the peace seemed renewed within the last painting we viewed of the Church Steeple, although possibly corrupted by a feeling of simplicity). As I viewed the Black Cross w...
Read more